Summer, Stress, and Silver Linings

Lately, I've been a bit of a mess. I'm going to use that as my excuse for not posting. I've been stressed and have all of these thoughts all jumbled up in my mind. You might know what that's like if you've gone through a few of those life-changing stressors all at once. I vaguely remember looking at a chart that listed major life stressors. It included things like getting fired, going to prison, getting divorced, filing for bankruptcy. Thankfully, none of those apply to me.

As you may know, I'm going to be embarking on a super exciting journey later this year. Needless to say, I've been stressing about all of the nuances, paperwork and major life-altering changes that go along with it.

Additionally, I've been having some issues with my landlord recently. The worst part is that he is none too quick to try to come to a resolution.

Finally, but certainly not the least of my current complaints is that my father's cancer has returned and the treatment is very aggressive. Which basically sucks all the way around.

All that being said, my biggest goal for the summer (and now we're officially into summer) is to find balance in my life and let my light shine. I have very specific things to accomplish: go to the Art Institute, go on an architectural boat tour, run a race with my mom, see Lady Gaga act a fool at Lolla, go on a camping trip. Less specifically, I have a bunch of other things I want to do: go to the beach, see my friends as often as possible, spend time with the fam, get into an exercise routine, get back on that vegan wagon.

Last night I posted in my Facebook status the following:
I'm ready to say fuck it. I'm ready to laugh a lot. I'm ready to celebrate. I'm ready to smile. I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to LIVE. C'mon tomorrow. I'm fucking ready.

Here's the deal with that. Some people thought it might be related to some long-awaited changes, but its not. Not yet. It is related to changes, but not those specifically. I've become cynical and withdrawn over the past few weeks. I've become kind of an angry little stressball hermit. My mind has been scattered and I'd much rather eat Cheetos and watch really awful summer programming on television than actually do anything (because let's face it... Cheetos are really good).

I think my problem is that rather than embracing all the change that is coming, I've been resistant to it. I've been thinking about how good yesterday was or how nice tomorrow is going to be. Instead of enjoying today, I've been stressing about things I have no control over. It's like that serenity prayer at AA meetings:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I just had to Google it because I didn't know it word-for-word. It goes on:
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

I suppose that that captures my sentiment pretty well.

Since I was a kid, I've been plagued by two things: impatience and jealousy. Right now, I can see both of these rearing their super ugly heads. I'm impatient because I want to move on from this little holding pattern I've felt stuck in for years. I'm jealous because I look at other people and think "I should have that. I deserve it more." I suppose, like alcoholism, the first step is recognizing it and admitting that it's a problem.

Allowing these things to creep into my mindset (especially at a juncture like this) is only going to harm me and prevent from enjoying what I have right now, which frankly is a lot:
I have an amazing and loving family; I have amazing and loving friends; I have a job that I really enjoy; I have a beach and a lake; I have a beautiful city at my doorstep; I have a guitar and a sewing machine and lots of books; I have a bed and a roof over my head, and I know if that were ever to change, I'd have several places I could go; I'm on an incredible journey, and I'm about to start another.

Honestly, when I put things into perspective, the stressful things in my life seem to fade.

So there. That's what I meant in my Facebook status last night. I decided I had finally had enough of feeling hateful, angry, stressed and cynical about the negative things in my life. I'm going to embrace the amazing, wonderful and positive things that are all around me. I'm going to deal with struggles head-on when they happen, rather than dwelling on them when I feel powerless. I don't want to miss out on the beauty of this journey.

Hello, today! I'm glad you've arrived.









Original Artwork by Allison Shepard